Eliza Gray, ENP, UAGF

Eliza Gray
Reliable, efficient, helpful
No job too big or small
Your wish is my command

Oh God. The only thing I can settle on is my name. I'm trying to compose an ad for the Mistlebourne Mag. Everyone else has letters after their name. BA (Hons). PGCE. VTCT. HHHT. MVB. MRCVS. Can't imagine anybody in the village knows what they stand for, apart from the BA, but they're all very trumped up and important-sounding, unlike plain Eliza Gray. Hmmm. Shall invent initials.

Eliza Gray, ENP, UAGF
There. Extraordinarily Nice Person, Universal Aunt and General Factotum.

Gosh, this is hungry-making work. Like Old Mother Hubbard, I rifle the depleted store cupboard. Aha, a can of tom yum soup. Excellent, will have that for lunch. The healthy choice. Oh! Just spied the Mature Cheddar & Red Onion Kettle Chips peeking from behind the spices. My hand reaches up and I pull it back. It reaches up again as if I have no control over it. I’m not interested in self-discipline, I tell the small voice inside me that is trying to renounce the devil. It’s not as if I’ve got long to live.

Mmmm. Addictive. Mmmm. The soup’s really good too. I take the bag of chips and the bowl of soup back to my work cupboard and place them to either side of my computer. I alternate between the slimmer’s and the obese person’s options. 

Eliza Gray, ENP, UAGF

Highly Experienced, reliable, efficient local mother, cook and dog-owner available to take over when you have too many balls in the air. help out when you need an extra hand.

* Home-cooked dishes and American confections (eg chocolate brownies) delivered to your door

* Universal Aunt - babysitting, child-ferrying, stand-in mothering

* Taxi service Lifts to and from Candlebury and in local area

* Home boarding for dogs, dogminding, dog-walking 

* Specialised cleaning - ironing, window-cleaning (ground floor only), silver-polishing

* Decluttering 

* Errands, eg to the bank or post office, delivering or picking up items

There! I'll be inundated!

Spring fever

Spring is springing and the birds are singing their little hearts out! The verges are alive with daffodils and dandelions and daisies. I love it! I’m absolutely squinting in the sun. It’s nearly time for the clocks to go back (or is it forward?). No matter! The whole world is waking up. It’s humming. I’m walking with a spring in my step and my head held high. I’m on a mission!

Dusty and I turn down the wooded path to the river, tramping through a sea of wild garlic and primroses and violets. God’s in his heaven and all’s... urgh. This stench of garlic is turning my stomach. It’s like walking through a back street in Hong Kong. Probably quite nice at sundown, prior to a Chinese meal. Not first thing in the morning after missing breakfast. Right. Come on, Dusty! Back to the car.

2 things to rejoice about

1. I've practically applied for 3 jobs, as per Meredith's action plan
2. Having realised I am not suited to the job market, I don't have to write a CV!

Dreamer

‘Dreamer, you’re nothing but a dreamer, well can you put your hands in your head, oh no…’

You see, every cloud has a silver lining. If it hadn’t been for me leaving the car unlocked last time I was in London and some thieving bastard nicking my digital radio/CD player, I wouldn’t have ended up with Giles’s old cassette radio and made the discovery of the century in a shredded plastic bag in the bowels of my car boot: a bunch of old cassettes. Supertramp! Crime of the Century! Even in the Quie… hang on a moment, let me rephrase this:

Top 10 albums for re-living my youth

1. Crime of the Century - Supertramp

2. Even in the Quietest Moments - Supertramp

3. Breakfast in America - Supertramp

4. Goodbye Yellow Brick Road – Elton John

5. Band on the Run – Paul McCartney

6. Greatest Hits – Simon & Garfunkel

7. Greatest Hits – Queen

8. Their Greatest Hits – Eagles

9. Legend – Bob Marley

10. Songs from the Big Chair - Tears for Fears

And none of that wretched digital radio rubbish which keeps cutting out. Just good old trusty analogue, which just goes crackly when you’re out of reception.

‘Dreamer (Come on and dream, dream along), you’re nothing but a dreamer (Come on and dream, dream along)…’

Meredith wants to know what I do all day. Well, I’ve just had to interrupt my blog monetisation investigations to drive half-an-hour to pick up Lily, and then I shall drive half-an-hour back to deposit her with her saxophone teacher, who's slotting in an extra lesson since Lily's exam is almost upon us. Then I shall cook supper. Then I shall pick her up. Then we shall eat supper and go to bed. Just running a house, walking the dog and to-ing and fro-ing your child is practically a full-time job. Especially when you’re the sole carer. Your whole life is reactive – you are your child’s personal taxi and 999 service.

Oh God! Which means there’s no way I can do a proper job. It’s not just the general 999iness. What about the holidays? I can’t farm her out for the entire hols. Or leave her alone all day. So that means I can only do a job that fits in with the school hols. So I don’t have any choice. I’ve just got to be an inventor or an entrepreneur.

Trainee Estate Agent

Pluck up courage to call Trainee Estate Agent man. 

‘Super!’ he says. ‘Do you have access to a computer?’

I try to match his brightness and enthusiasm. ‘Yes!’

‘Great! If you email us your CV we can take it from there!’

‘Can I just ask, is it full time?!’

‘Yes, it is!’

‘And could you give me an idea of ... the pay?!’

‘Obviously if you send in your CV we can give you a call back and go through all that with you!’

Why are they so damn cagey about pay? Because it’s abysmal, I presume. ‘Ballpark?’ I gush.

‘As I say, if you just send in your CV, we...’

‘OK! Will do!’ I enthuse. Grrr. Still don’t have a CV. Must bite bullet.

The Domino Effect

Phone. It's Domino’s Pizza calling me back! I get straight to the point. ‘How much does it pay?’

‘That depends on how hard you are willing to work, the hours and all. Do you want to work part-time or full-time?’

‘Part-time.’

‘So you could start at 5pm or 6pm and work until 10pm or 9.30pm or 11pm, up to you.’

‘And do you pay by the hour?’

‘Yes. So you can do 2 days or 3 days or 4 days, like that. And the money goes into your bank account once a month.’

‘So how much is it per hour?’

‘That depends on your age. If you are under 21, £5.35. Over 21, £5.93.’

‘What if I’m 50? Does that pay more?’

He laughs. ‘Unfortunately not.’

There. My first job interview, practically. But £5.93? Worse than minding half a dog. I’d be better off being a home-based call centre. Maybe I could be a home-based call centre while minding dogs and baking American confections. That is the answer. I’m going to have to do multi jobs. Work all hours that God gives. Hard to change at my age, though. 

Jobseeking

It’s Monday morning and I am taking action steps towards my goals! Candlebury Advertiser. Search Jobs.  Right, let’s see what’s on offer.

Candlebury Primary School has two posts. Could be good. Longer terms than Lily, but we could work something out.

1. Female Teaching Assistant to support a pupil with learning difficulties. 12 noon to 3.15pm term time only. £8.15 to £8.72 per hour depending on experience. 

Yeah right, as Lily might say.

2. Temporary MDSA post [whatever that may be] to support NPA pupil [ditto], 12 noon to 1pm daily. Pay £6.63 to £7.04 per hour.

Forget it! Worse than Dogminding or Flexible Viewing.

Gardener - Grounds Maintenance team
37 hours per week. £13,190-£13,874 p.a.

This is laughable. How do people live on a country salary?

Owner Drivers and Store Staff
Domino’s Pizza are looking for motivated full or part time people [That’s me, a part-time person] with a positive attitude and a willingness to succeed. Duties include driving own vehicle to deliver pizzas. 

Yes! A pizza delivery woman. Maybe we get free pizzas too? And get to wear one of those jaunty hats. I call and leave a message. Am motivated! And positive! And, like Barkis, willing! 

Call Centre Agent - Home Based 

Imagine owning your own business where you can pick and choose your own hours and you choose your clients from our portfolio? The world’s leading provider of virtual business services is growing rapidly in the UK, and you can be part of this success.

£6.40-£10 an hour, though? Even being a home-based call centre isn’t worth getting out of bed for. 

Trainee Estate Agent  Ah, now this could be the one.

If you are looking for a career in an exciting sales environment where you are rewarded for your hard work, look no further. All you need is the drive and determination to succeed and a clean driving licence.

Hmmm. One out of three ain’t bad. Oh God! Do they count 3 points for doing 37 through the 30 limit when we were late for school last term? It’s spotless otherwise. Will call later when up to feigning drive and determination.